“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”

-Bob Marley

and on this night in particular, the entire world could hear her heart aching. they all realized that this night was the night that she and her heart were breaking.

true love.

prayer.

something i've been learning a lot about recently is prayer. just by listening to people pray and by thinking about what they're praying for, i've realized some things.
we ask for what we think is best CONSTANTLY. we may say that God is the One in control, and we may even tell him that, but then we go and pray for things in ways that, to me, scream "IF IT DOESN'T GO THIS WAY, IT'S WRONG, AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT GOD!" there is so much wrong with that! what happened to praying for God to guide you, and help you understand and accept what happens in his will?

i've also noticed how we always ask and ask and ask and ask and ask. prayer is our communication with God. when we pray, it should be just like we're having a conversation with one of our close friends. but when have you ever walked up to your friend and been like "hey, thanks for the sweet drawing. could you help me study for my spanish test on tuesday? oh, and don't forget the history project due thursday. would you mind working with me on my piano, and my english paper? you have to tell me how i can get my biology grade up to a B by the end of the week!"
that's just not how it works! a relationship like that would never last, and as long as it lasted, it would be a very unhealthy one.

prayer doesn't mean asking and begging constantly. prayer means growing in your relationship and getting closer to the Creator of the world. so take it for what it is.

"You know that feeling? When you’re just waiting. Waiting to get home, into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and just let every thing out that you kept in all day. That feeling of both relief and desperation. Nothing is wrong. But nothing is right either. And you’re tired. Tired of every thing, tired of nothing. And you just want someone to be there and tell you it’s okay. But no one is going to be there. And you know you have to be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you. But you’re tired of waiting. Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else. Tired of being strong. And for once, you just want it to be easy. To be simple. To be helped. To be saved. But you know you won’t be. But you’re still hoping. And you’re still wishing. And you’re still staying strong and fighting with tears in your eyes. You’re fighting."

can't help it.

sometimes i just can't help myself.

sometimes i just have to wonder...

what happened?

after a while...

"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security, and you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child, and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure… that you really are strong, and you really do have worth."
Veronica A. Shoffstall

“No matter what, you’re going to mess up sometimes. It’s a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you’re going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends- they’ll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything- they’re your true best friends. Don’t let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they’ll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them- actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can’t give up because if you give up, you’ll never find your soul mate. You’ll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn’t mean you’re going to fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don’t, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about.”

-Marilyn Monroe

you are not the one for me if you cannot see what i can be.

mistakes.

in my life, i've made many mistakes. but if i could do it all again, i wouldn't change a thing because from those mistakes i have gained wisdom and i have grown. i am sorry that i hurt the people i hurt, but i don't regret making those mistakes because they are helping shape me into the person i am meant to be. and personally, i think it's worth it.

We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. ~ Romans 5:3-5

the good, bad, and ugly.

i don't know why, but school makes me super excited sometimes. i just love learning... but i have a horrible memory, so i like to write things down, too. and although it makes me super excited, sometimes it makes me super scared. going to a small school, i get to know the grades above and below me pretty well, and since i'm in high school, the world pressures me to think about the future.

well, the future is a scary place, my friends.

every year i get to grow and learn and get closer to my classmates and people who aren't even in my class, and then at the end of the year, it's like we're ripped apart. we know that next year we'll be in a different class, and the juniors will turn into seniors, and everyone will be one more year closer to leaving.

and i hate it when they leave.

i usually don't know the seniors very well, but every year i know them a little more, and every year, it gets harder and harder to see them go. it feels like they're never coming back; i'm never going to see them again, because i was the girl who kept her mouth shut and didn't create those bonds to stay in touch.

it's good that we're growing up... but sometimes, i just wish i could stay little forever. go back to a time where i'd chose ice cream over technology, going to movies with mom rather than a boy, where daddy could save me from anything, and where a dollar was a heck of a lot of money.

the days when life seemed simple and innocent.

fight.

and she knows
this ain't a love worth fighting for
and he ain't a boy she would die for
because every tear that left her eye
helped her to realize
she's worth so much more
than he treated her.
she knows now...
she deserves better.



[[this is an old post]]

have you...

have you ever felt a longing so deep,
that every single night you cry yourself to sleep?
praying that God will show himself to you,
and you'll know in your heart that you believe he is true.
always hoping, and dreaming, and wishing,
that someday you'll find what it is that you're missing.
everyone says that you'll get through,
but they don't realize where you're trying to get to.
you know that you're in over your head,
another day without God is a day that you dread.



sometimes you feel so lost.

and you just can't find your way back home.

do you know?

do you know what it feels like to be on a cloud, reaching for the groups of people on the ground, but never being able to join them?

do you know what it feels like to be surrounded by people, but feel hopelessly and utterly alone and unknown?

do you know what it feels like to be forgotten, left alone in your own lonely little world?

do you know what it feels like to hurt so bad because the people around you are hurting because you hurt them, unknowingly?

do you know what it feels like to get so worn out by life that you're barely living, simply because you have to be on guard constantly, as not to hurt, or hurt anyone else?

do you know what it feels like to think you're a failure, because no matter how hard you try, your work goes unnoticed?

do you know what it feels like when the people you thought were your best friends seemed to have disappeared and been replaced with people you've never met?

do you know what it feels like to be crushed and hurt and lied to and betrayed?

do you know what it feels like to think it's all your fault?

do you know what it feels like to be lost?


do you know what it feels like to cry out for God, but you can't seem to find him?

goodbye.

i think it's time i say my last goodbye.

goodbye. i'm so much better off without you.


i've realized i can breathe without you.

i can live without you.

and i don't need you to feel worth something.


i'm glad i've come to realize.



i've moved on. and so have you.

:) what a happy day.

it's a love journey.

this life we live, it's a great big love journey.

our brains are wired for love. we always think about it... it's always there in the back of our minds.

but how to we totally live our lives loving like we were meant to?

this life is a love journey, but that doesn't mean we know how to love.

learning how to love is just a big huge part of the experience.

sometimes.

everybody needs somebody sometimes
everybody needs somebody on their mind
so tell me what you want
i'll be there to hold you
because everybody needs somebody sometimes.

-a rocket to the moon (sometimes)

here i am.

here i am.

all of me.

take my heart.

set me free.



at the door you knocked.

i couldn't keep ignoring.

the door is open.

my heart is for your exploring.


reveal me.

show me your way.

guide me towards who i am.

for to you i will pray.


here i am.

all of me.

take my heart.

set me free.

sick.

DESPERATE.
written in bold letters. all caps.

it's what written on their foreheads.



have they ever looked in the mirror and tried to wipe it off?

thoughts.

in the process of moving on, i've found the less i try to move on, the quicker i actually do. it's quite odd... the more i let myself dream and think and wonder and hope, the easier it is for me to say goodbye in my heart. it seems as if the pain goes away faster the more i let myself just be without trying NOT to dream and think and wonder and hope.



but then again,

only time will tell.

realize.

sometimes in life, there are moments when suddenly, something hits you.

you realize that maybe things weren't the way you thought they were.

that maybe, just maybe, you were totally, utterly, and completely wrong.

sometimes, those moments are filled with such a great joy.

sometimes, they're packed with anger.

and sometimes, those moments are overflowing with sadness.

such a great sadness, it's like your heart is smashed.

like a 4000 pound brick has landed right inside your chest.

and it hurts, so badly.

can i ask you something?

can i ask you something?
did you mean to break my heart?
can i ask you something?
did you love me from the start?

did it kill you
as much as it killed me
to have to think
we just weren't meant to be?

did you feel
the same things i felt?
when i walked in
did your heart melt?

did you know
how hard i fell for you?
did you know
every "i love you" was true?

heart.

it breaks my heart to see my friends hurting.

it breaks my heart beyond belief.

it hurts me just as much as when i'm hurting, because they're a part of me.


:(


there's too much hurt in this world.

thankfully i have a God who brings healing.


i love you Lord.

amazed.

wow. what a month it has been. right now i'm on break, as thursday was the last day of the third quarter. about 2 weeks ago, i was failing at least 4 of my classes... and i decided that because of all the events that have gone on this quarter, my grades wouldn't count for me - if i didn't reach my goals i couldn't beat myself up because it was just a tough time in my life. so, i'd try for next quarter.

well, i went on and checked my grades this morning... and i'm amazed to say that i have all a's and just one b. i did NOT see that coming.

but now i start fourth quarter. and i'm hoping that this last stretch of my freshman year will be amazing - heck, i'm going to make it amazing. i've been really branching out in friendships recently, and i think that's really helping me.

now, i'm just hoping that i stay healthy.

God is faithful.

there was a grass fire that got out of control in our neighbors' yard. the winds changed, and suddenly, it was coming towards our house. thank God that no one was hurt and the only damage was between 1 and 2 acres of charred grass and a melted fence. in the beginning of the video, and at the very end, there's some orange - that small fire got up to about 8 feet before the fire department put it out.

God is faithful!

once upon a time.

once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess who was loved by many. this princess loved a lot of people, but sometimes, she felt very very very alone. one day, she was travelling through the woods, thinking about how thankful she was for her life and looking around at the beautiful scenery. She saw a mother deer prancing around twenty feet away from her, and she followed it, becoming distracted in the beauty of the deer. the sun started setting, and the princess realized she was very very lost. she wanted to find her way out, but she had no clue how. eventually, after the sun had almost totally faded, she sat on a log and cried, not caring that she was ruining her beautiful dress. "i don't know what to do! i don't know where to go!" she cried.
eventually her sobs subdued, and as she listened to the frightening noises of the darkened woods, she heard the crunching of leaves and twigs - footsteps. whoever was in the woods with her was coming in her direction very very quicky. not knowing what to do, the princess remained still, not breathing so hopefully she would go unnoticed. suddenly a figure appeared in her view, and she continued to hold her breath. The figure stopped, and the princess closed her eyes, wishing to disappear, but she hiccuped, and the figure stepped closer to her. "Princess?" a gasp escaped her lips. "It is me." she replied, standing. He stepped forward, taking her hand and kissing it on the back. He stood, and they embraced. "How did you find me?" the princess mused. "I followed my heart." the man replied.He took her hand, and carefully led her out of the woods back to the castle. Standing in the glow of the moonlight, she kissed his cheek. "My prince, my prince, i'm so glad that you have found me." The prince kissed the princess. "Forever, you have been the one i've loved. And forever i will love you." The prince said, cupping the princess' face in his hands. "You are so beautiful, and i love you. You are the only one i can ever love." the prince continued. "Be with me forever." The princess urged. The prince smiled and nodded. "You didn't even have to ask." and they both lived happily ever after.

march 17.

tomorrow.

it should be a happy day for me.

we should be celebrating.

but we're not.

instead i'm mourning.

mourning the loss of you.

your choice of leaving me.

but i'm moving on.



i miss you...

do you miss me?









march 17, 2009.
the day my world changed forever.

crashed.

so that day your world came crashing down.
the unexpected became something you should've seen coming.
but you let yourself go, you let yourself believe,
that what everyone said was true, rather than believeing you.

happily ever after.

story of my life.

sometimes, i just don't know what to say.

i just don't know.

but that happens to the best of us, doesn't it? ;) jus'sayin.

Forever and always.

Girls' view: forever.

Guys' view: for now.

why?

why? why don't you believe me?
you run from the truth.
you see darkness, but i see the light.
i see the light in your eyes as you live,
live your life that you underestimate.
i wish i could show you the reality.
show you who you really are
in the eyes of God, me, and everyone around you.
and show you how true it is.
you're beautiful.
every time i say that, i mean it.
i would never ever lie about something like that.
never.
i love you.
also something i would never ever lie about.
when i tell you these things,
they're true.
they're from the bottom of my heart,
the depths of my soul.
you are so amazing.
i promise you.

thinking.

so... i was thinking about how i needed to blog. and i was also looking back onto my old twitter post, my old blog posts, my old facebook posts... all my old posts make me so happy. they're so well thought out and just... me. but lately, it's like i just skim the surface of what's going on. i give the view, not the feeling. it drives me crazy. but i can't figure out where the feeling is. it's like... having lost someone close to me just totally drew me out of my little artistic world. i can't even think up a short poem. it's starting to really freak me out because i don't like it... not at all. i want my little artistic world back.

please, please artistic brain...

come back to me.




i miss you.

broken.

some people think that the pain of losing someone, may it be via break-up, death, distance, or something else, resembles the pain of ripping off a band-aid. there's a little sting, but it's not too major, and it's fairly easy to get over. but in reality, this isn't just a little sting, forgotten after mere seconds. this pain, it's more like breaking your leg. breaking you leg, without a cast to help you heal.

at first, you need to take it easy. give yourself a rest. after that, the only way to continue moving is to lean on the people who love you the most. and healing is going to be awkward. very awkward. and everyone has their own ways of healing. it takes a long time to totally heal. and while you're healing, there'll still be the aching reminder while you're just trying to get through it all. but eventually, there is healing. there's hope for someday, being able to totally move on.

but moving on isn't forgetting. it's not losing the memories. it's looking back and seeing how you've grown and how you've learned. it's seeing all the time together as something amazing in your life, things that you're so thankful and lucky to have experienced. it's realizing this is just life. this is just what we have to go through to become who we really are meant to be.

dreadful.

march.

a month i've been dreading ever since january. and now, it's here.

ahh wonderful.

i have no big plans... so i'll be spending plenty of time at home. thinking. just thinking. hopefully lots of learning and growing. hopefully not a lot of crying.

we'll see.

busy busy busy.

wow... it's february! february 13, if we're being technical... and i haven't blogged yet this month.

weird.

:) well. just dropping by to say hello.

and that photography and drawing have been sparked within me.

i want to be the best i can be at these two things...

learning through the pain.

pain can teach you a lot of things. and after most of the pain has passed, the past can teach you a lot of things.

i've learned so much about myself through this experience, and i've grown as a person through all of this.

i don't want to forget everything that's happened, because that'd mean ten months of my short life, wasted. so i'll keep in mind all the happy times, but move on with my life, making new happy memories.

life, being single, is pretty free. i've never realized how much a relationship can hold you back (probably because this was my first).

and friends, friends are amazing. always there with a listening ear, words of comfort, or just someone to lean on. and also there to tell you to stop being stupid and just get over it.

go friends, life, singleness, freedom, pain, past, future, memories, and happiness. :)

i've got issues.

i just totally redid my blog, and it made me want to blog.

i've got issues, but God is good.
that was the sermon at church last night, and i pretty much loved it.

another thing i just so happened to love?
two guys in front of me who were full out worshiping God. singing, raising their hands... i almost fainted. (okay, so i didn't. but! it really made my heart go all squishy.) and it wasn't too bad that they were pretty good looking too. ;)

i love the saying "a woman should be so lost in God that a man has to seek Him to find her." that's how i want to live. i want to be lost in God so much that people have to seek Him to find me.

this is deffinatly a love journey.

according to you.

according to you - orianthi

according to you. such an amazing song. especially right now in my life, as i go through a break-up and heart break, this song is so uplifting.

if you go watch that video up there, and listen to the lyrics, you won't regret it. ;)

this song makes me realize, even if i don't have a guy in my life right now, God is the "him" that thinks i'm Beautiful, incredible, can't get me out of his head. He thinks i'm funny, irresistable, everything he ever wanted.
and until a guy comes along who totally agrees with God, i'm perfectly happy that God's the "him" in this song.

now this isn't to say, i don't miss being held and loved and whispered to and adored, but i guess i gotta realize, God's been holding me and loving me and whipsering to me and adoring me all along.

He's into me for everything i'm not, according to you.
so tell me what i've got to lose. ;)

out of control.

i hate feeling out of control. not like i hate when i can't control every aspect of my life, but when i feel like i can't control my attitude and outlook. right now, i feel like my mind is out of control, and i hate that. all i want is to be held and to be loved and to feel safe, but i don't care who from. and that kinda scares me.

lately, i've been feeling out of my mind. it kills me to say that i found reassurance (for lack of a better word) in myself from some guy. i only believed i was beautiful or pretty or funny or stylish or this or that because he told me i was. and that really sucks. so, here's to hoping i can change that. and here's to hoping that won't happen again.

now, i'm going to go try to clean up this mess without hardening my heart.

long, difficult process? yes.
worth it? oh yeah.

heartbreak.

"Everyone tells me I should forget about you, you don't deserve me. They're right, you don't deserve me, but I deserve you."

"as soon as forever is through, i'll be over you."

"breaking up is like having the worst nightmare after having the best dream."

"true love is when you shed a tear and still want him."

"the times when we were happy together are worth the times i cry alone."

"its hard to pretend you love someone when you really don't, but its harder to pretend you don't love someone when you really do."

"When you said forever, you meant a few months. When I said forever, I meant every day until I died. When you said always, you meant until you couldn't handle it anymore. When I said always, I meant until time ended. When you said you loved me, you meant I was no different from any other girl. When I said I loved you, I meant I had never felt what I felt for you."

"with all the pieces of my broken heart, i still love you."

"once upon a time, i was falling in love. but now, i'm falling apart."

"I can't talk to you anymore. it's not that I am mad at you, it's just that when I talk to you I realize how much I love you and when I realize how much I love you, I realize I can't have you, and that makes me love you even more."

"Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him."

"I wonder, when you look into my eyes and watch my heart shatter, does it break your heart too, even crack it a little bit?"

"When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal."

"Sometimes you think you've gotten over a person, but when you see him smile you suddenly realize you're just pretending you're over him to ease the pain of knowing that he will never be yours."

"If I hadn't met you, I wouldn't like you. If I hadn't liked you, I wouldn't love you. If I wouldn't love you, I wouldn't miss you. But I did, I do and I will."

"I'm not supposed to love you, I'm not supposed to care, I'm not supposed to live my life wishing you were there. I'm not supposed to wonder where you are or what you're doing, but I can't help it, cause I'm in love with you."

"Me, I'm scared of everything, I'm scared of who I am, what I saw, what I did, but most of all I am scared of walking out of this room and never feeling for the rest of my life, the way I feel when I'm with you."

"Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew."

"Moving on is simple, it's what you leave behind that makes it so difficult."

"There's this place in me where your finger tips still rest... your kisses still linger and your whispers softly echo... It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me."

"I miss you a little, I guess you could say, a little too much, a little too often, and a little more each day."

"I’m going to smile and make you think I’m happy, I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry, I’m going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me - I’m going to smile."

"There's a girl in my mirror crying tonight, and there's nothing I can say to make her feel all right."

"I just realized, it's so lonely being free."

"that "someday" when your heart is supposed to heal, when you're supposed to be able to move on, when they say you can live again, never really comes, does it?"

"You don't realize how much you care about someone until they don't care about you."

"It's always the same in every relationship, there is always one person crying and wishing to get back together, while the other doesn't even remember the things they've been through. I hate that I have to be the one who remembers every little detail while you can't seem to remember me at all."

"Look in my eyes and you will find me, but look in my heart and you will find you."

"You know you love someone when you want them to be happy even if their happiness means that you're not part of it."

"A great love? It's when you shed tears for him but still you care for him. It's when he ignored you but you still long for him. It's when he starts loving another, and yet you manage a smile and find the courage to say "I'm happy for you." "

"Missing you isn't the hard part, knowing I once had you is what breaks my heart."

"I wish you were here with me, I wish I was there with you, but most of all I wish I didn’t have to wish for you."

"My heart is broken and I feel so much pain. I don't want to believe this is over, because what we had was just too special for such a short time. There has to be more, eventually. There has to be."

"I've changed so much. I wish you knew how much you changed me. I wonder if I changed you, if your life is different because of me. Because mine's different. My God, you taught me so much, and from that I've grown. I guess that's what happens."

"The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. Maybe they always have been and will be. Maybe we've lived a thousand lives before this one and in each of them we've found each other."

"From the very moment I met you, I knew you would be important in my life. And even though we're broken and we aren't speaking, I don't think your time of importance in my life is over."

"What is the opposite of two? A lonely me, a lonely you."

"Ask me why I keep on loving you when it's clear that you don't feel the same way for me... the problem is that as much as I can't force you to love me, I can't force myself to stop loving you."

"We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love, never so helplessly unhappy as when we have lost our loved object or its love."

"I can embrace myself, hold my own hand, love me - but I can't gaze into my own eyes and feel my own soul lift me up."

"I don't know how to not love you, I only know how to not let you go."

"Of all the moments in my life, you were always there somewhere. Once as a wish. Once as a blessing. And now as the greatest loss I'll ever experience."

"Yesterday? Yes. I was there just today. And I'll probably be there for all of my tomorrows, too."

"Just for this one night I will not think about you. I will have fun, and laugh again. And enjoy every minute. Tomorrow I will deal with the hangover."

"It breaks your heart to see the one you love is happy
with someone else, but it's more painful to know that
the one you love is unhappy with you."

"Never say goodbye when you still want to try.
Never give up when you still feel you can take it.
Never say you don't love a person when you can't let go."

just some quotes i've found. some of which were said by me. enjoy.

here comes the rain.

so for about the past year, i've felt like i've been in this dryspell with God. for most of the year (excluding random weeks), i just felt like i wanted absolutely nothing to do with God. i don't really remember why, but even though my heart was longing for that faith that i had before, i was too stubborn to "admit defeat" and go running back to him.

but today, i think a dam broke. the city called my heart isn't dry and stubborn and closed up... it's filled with hope and joy and peace and God's glorious love. i suddenly feel like i want to do everything in my life for God and i don't want my life to be my own anymore. the thirst of my soul has been quenched.

so, to say the least, it's a pretty happy day.

hallelujah. :)