goodbye 2009.

wow. that went by so fast.

what an amazing year it's been.

wow.


goodbye to 2009 - you were a great year and you treated me quite well, sending me trials and challanges often, but only because you knew i could handle them.

and hello to 2010 - here's to hopes that you, as well, will be an amazing year and i can continue to grow and learn and be.

happy new year.

deal.

tonight, a deal was made.

normally, this type of deal would be a really hard one for me to make, but knowing that the person on the other side of this deal will be going through the same things as i am makes it... i don't know... easier.

it's like, i don't think i could do this if i was doing this alone. but now, since you're doing it with me, there's a possibility that it will happen.

and ya know, it's kind of freeing.

giving.

sadly, christmas time is usually the time of the year when people are most giving.
it's too bad that it can't happen in such large quantities all year round, but either way, it's so fun to watch and experience.

you'd be amazed at how far a little gift, that may seem worth nothing, will go in bringing joy to the hearts of those that need it.

because it's truely amazing when one person gives to another, not out of sorrow, pity, or obligation, but out of the goodness of their heart.

giving. it is such a beautiful thing.

mess up.

i somehow seem to mess things up.
all. the. time.

i don't know why god put me on this planet.
maybe my purpose is to mess the world up more than it already is.

well then, lovely.
so. much. fun.





not.

vague.

so i guess i can be a little vague at times.

okay extremely vague most of the time.

and i know it annoys some people. heck, it annoys me.

but... i don't know. i can't help it. i feel like there's a point of saying too much and i just don't like going there (even though i sometimes tend to at the TOTALLY wrong moments. ug).

i always feel like i'm hurting people when they want to know things but i sit there and am vague, but

i
just
can't
help
it.

and it drives me just as crazy as it drives you.

forever.

"you realize we're only 15 and we're not going to last forever, right?"

words that really make you think.
i mean, i know we're only 15. and i mean, i know we're not going to last forever, no matter how much i hope, wish, or dream - its just not going to happen.
but sometimes, even though that is kept in mind, i just let myself get to caught up in my hopes, wishes, and dreams, and i think "maybe we will last forever... maybe we'll beat the odds." but, eventually, those hopes, wishes, and dreams crash.
leaving me hopeless, frightened, and depressed because i let my expectations go too far.
don't get me wrong, dreaming, wishing, and hoping are all amazing things that everyone should do... but there's a point... an extreme... where it's just too much and too far.
the more hopes of us being forever that i shove into my heart, the more my heart is going to break when we crash and our "forever" turns into "we're over".
so how do i stop this vicious cycle? how do i get rid of these unhealthy wishes, dreams, and hopes?

i honestly wish i knew.
because as much as you love someone, you also must love yourself, and you must do what's best for you. and i know that these wishes, hopes, and dreams aren't what's best for me.

the hardest thing for me is trying to figure out where i went wrong - where i let myself go too far.
in the beginning, everything was just fine and dandy - as much as i liked him, i didn't think we'd last more than two weeks so i was just being cool with whatever, trying to set myself up so i wouldn't be very heart broken when it ended.
now, nine months has come and gone, and i've realized how deep feelings run. but how long do they last, is my question? because i don't like sitting here waiting to find out. my heart is way past a point where there can even be a hope of it not being shattered after this.

but i guess we'll never know. just like you don't know when your last day on earth will be, you don't know when your last time with somebody is (that is, unless you do something about it in either situation).

isn't not knowing just frustrating?

learn.

so, i promised someone something.
they trusted me, thinking they wouldn't be let down.
but because they're always busy, i am unable to carryout my promise.
so is it my fault that they're being let down?
if i pulled and pulled and pulled to try to carry it out, but it just didn't happen?
and what if i feel let down as well because they wouldn't allow me to carry it out?

if it's my fault... whatever.
maybe i'll just have to stop making promises.

brain.

sometimes, it makes me laugh hysterically that people think they know how i feel. HAHAHAAAAAA! you don't.

people tend to believe they've got me figured out and know exactly what i'm thinking in certain situations.

HAHAHA!

no.

nobody ever knows exactly how i'm thinking. nobody. ever.
because that's the way i want it.
i don't want people to know what i'm thinking.
because sometimes, that just causes more pain, more hurt, and more broken-ness.
so next time you assume you know my thoughts, maybe you and God should have a little chat, because he sure knows.
BOY does he know.

clones.

something i've really been noticing lately is how the adults in a child's life determine some of their likes and dislikes. these adults, in a way, 'brainwash' a child... leaving the child believing the same exact thing they do.

i don't know.
isn't it kind of frustrating?
don't you wish that the child could come up with their own beliefs sometimes?
make their own discoveries?



isn't that all a part of becoming who you are?

just a poem.

you'd never believe she cries herself to sleep
questions and hurts and scars racing through the deep
of her heart and her head
all she wants is to be led

she cries out in tears
wants them to hear her fears
but they'll never know
why her face she hates to show

sobs overtake her body
there's not one reaching out to help - nobody
so when you see her as the tears threaten to fall from her eyes
go ahead - ignore them. say your goodbyes.