life is life.

I sit at a loss. A loss of words to say, a loss of emotions to feel, a loss of thoughts to think, and a loss of understanding.

I don't know if I'll ever understand why each of us goes through the things we do in life. Even if I try my hardest, I'll end up further back than where I started. Life is kind of an incomprehensible thing. It's not really meant to be understood. Which is probably a good thing, because I guess that means I'm doing one thing right. Yet it won't feel like that. When my world seems to crumble and I can't figure out why these things keep happening, why my heart keeps holding on, why my head keeps reminding and playing tricks on me, why people walk out of my life, or why I feel so alone, it doesn't feel right. I feel like I must be doing everything wrong. That's the only logical explanation, right? Why wouldn't it be?

Someone recently said to me, "if you can't fix it, it's not your problem." At first, it seemed super helpful. It was like a light bulb went on. Then, as I continued to think about it, I realized that it's not that simple. First off, how do you even begin to understand if you can or cannot fix it? Sometimes you don't know if you're at fault or if it's your actions that are causing these reactions. Sometimes, it's just not something you can figure out. Second, what if it is my problem? Maybe I have a disease that will eventually kill me - I can't fix that, but does that mean it isn't my problem? Maybe my friends are distancing themselves from me with no told explanation - I don't know how I'd fix that, but they're still my friends and it's still my problem. Thirdly, what if you can fix it, you just aren't sure how? I know I've been in that situation multiple times, even to this day. And I don't get it.

I don't get life.
I don't get love.
I don't get myself.
I just don't get it.

I guess, in the words of a young friend, "life is life."